Anger can feel so uncontrollable at times. I meditate, I find peace, yet one minor thing can set me off again. It’s times like this that are so frustrating. I’m taking all the right action steps to align with myself and find serenity, so why am I still so f’ing angry?
I had one of these days yesterday. I thought to myself, “fine. If an hour long meditation isn’t going to cut it, then maybe I can become physical enough to remove it from my self. I decided to go out for a run. I knew it couldn’t be just any run. It had to be more than I had ever done before. (which was 7 miles) I ended up running 13.2. A full half marathon and then some. As I was running I kept thinking when this is all over I will feel so accomplished. I will know that I have no limitations. There will be nothing left to feel angry about.
Boy was I wrong. The thing with anger is, it has to be felt. I hadn’t wanted to feel it because I was afraid of taking it out on someone. So ironic because in denying it, I was taking it out on my kids, my husband and other drivers on the road. When hubby got home he asked how the anger was. I let him know it was still there, but that I didn’t know why and I didn’t know how to release it. I was beyond frustrated at this point. I just wanted to go to bed and ignore everyone. My body hurt, my head hurt and my spirit hurt.
It wasn’t until I began expressing the anger that I realized my error. It wasn’t anger I was feeling. It was fear. Fear that in order to live the life I want, I have to change too many things about my current life. I had attachment. I had ego. I had a desire to control not only how to achieve the things I want in life, but also what that outcome looked like. I cried. I released that fear. Not because I am giving up on the things I want, but because I know that the things I want do not come from me. They come from the Universe. From God. From Energy. Every time I try to control, that reminder that I am not in control bubbles up and in that fear, I get angry.
I don’t know what my life is going to look like a year from now, 5 years from now. I don’t know if I will get all the things I want out of life. All I know is that I am not in control and if my past is any indication of how the future will pan out, then the Universe has plans in store for me that are so much greater than I could create for myself. It’s time to surrender and allow for that once again.
In the meantime, I will cry when I need to, run when I need to (maybe not another 13 miles though), get angry when I need to, and find comfort when I need to. When all is said and done, I will lift my head high, release my future to the universe, be grateful for what I currently have and plod on, one foot in front of the other.
In light and love. xo